mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
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Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.