Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
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Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime