@AlexvanBeek: Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
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@SergioValenCo: Damn girl, are you my Bachelor's degree because you wasted my time and now I hate you.
@ScottLinnen: Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
@dave_cactus: [sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES - ASK US] ME: Yes, I'm here about the sausage polishing job?
@BradBroaddus: My wife just opened my car door for me. Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.