Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
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ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
we all know this pain all too well
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
We found love in a hopeless place.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday