JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
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Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Put my back out twerking in the library again
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?