Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
You Might Also Like
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.