Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
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Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!