Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
You Might Also Like
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.