“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
You Might Also Like
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.