Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
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New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
birds and squirrels envy us