*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
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I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works