*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
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My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Merica.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.