MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
You Might Also Like
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”