just witnessed a drug deal
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Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Yep.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.