Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
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Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
an octopus is just a wet spider
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.