Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
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A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.