Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
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Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I hope it’s French Onion!
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable