Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
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[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Real House Wines.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan