[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
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Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
not for long
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
The Joker was right
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
they should invent a hydrating liquor
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..