[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
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[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
No, I don’t think I will.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
some Old Testament wisdom
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you