@mellimelle: Match dot com, but for socks.
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@spacexsam: Forever tricking animals into thinking I'm patting them when really I'm just wiping crumbs off of my hands into their fur
@InternetHippo: doctor: your wife has gone into labour me: oh no wife (yelling from a distance): RAISE THE MINIMUM WAGE
@Heartblakekid15: My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn't reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.