Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
You Might Also Like
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.