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Sounds like you're going to be pregnant forever.
@iwearaonesie: wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it's raining and he's getting wet
wife: But we're at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
@archerenemy: OK, so you caught me bangin' the peanut butter jar...
Don't make it weird...
@RobDenBleyker: Paula Deen should create her own brand of butter called I Can't Believe It's Not 1860.
@upsheezy: "Walk it off" does not apply to everything.
Stupidity, for example.
You're not walking that shit off unless it's in to oncoming traffic
@EndhooS: [Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
"There has to be a better way"