Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
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NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I didn’t come here to be called names
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.