Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
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I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.