[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
You Might Also Like
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??