[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
You Might Also Like
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.