me logging onto twitter
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Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Perfect
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.