Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
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I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
guys i’ve cracked the code
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants