[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
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I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Swedish for common sense.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I’m not stressed
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?