Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
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Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*