Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
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No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
water it, i dare you
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use