Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
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LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.