MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
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If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*