MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
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I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache