MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
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Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
[montage of me giving-up]
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴