MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
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Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
When you let grandma cat sit
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist