MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
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“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
#titanic
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Challenge accepted.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE