MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
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Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”