Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
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Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I could NOT have put it better myself.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.