I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
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Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Owl Sanctuary
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.