#math
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Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME