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@QwertyJones3: [speed dating] HER: I'm a real planner. I like people who plan ahead. ME: *trying to impress her* I'm already wearing a condom
@pleatedjeans: [interviewing cave bat] me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down? Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
@Anon_imosity: I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday. Not a great gift I know, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it
@Sean_Burgundy_: Friend: Do I need to repeat myself? Me: No. I might not be able to ignore you a second time