#math
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Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
there has never been a better use of this meme
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Thursday Thought.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer