Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
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Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Girl, same.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?