Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
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Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Stop it! 😂
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective