“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
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I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
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