“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
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If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]