Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
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[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
My love language is hissing.
scares
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.