Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
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Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.