[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
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You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .