[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
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Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!