~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
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I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
RT if you could go either way.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
“What movie?” 🤔
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*