A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
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I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
this is one of the funniest videos of all time